A letter to my almost best friend

Dear A.,

I know it’s been a hard year for the both of us, and we’ve both been there for each other at times we couldn’t even be there for ourselves, but currently you’re just being unfair. I understand that it is hard to live with depression, but I really have done everything I could do to make you feel better on this holiday. I really have, and I’m sorry if that isn’t enough. But yesterday you knew – I was not well – I hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in days and I hadn’t eaten and I was full blown manic, but instead of being there for me or at least not making it worse, you really hurt me.

It makes me angry that for everything I do for you, you tell me that I don’t take your health seriously. And I find it funny how it is always right before we are supposed to leave the house you have to start emotionally manipulating me and when I say that I will go alone, because I desperately need to get out of the house I hadn’t left in days, you started telling me how there is no point in living and how you will kill myself. You then start putting words in my mouth – I’m sorry I’m a shit friend; stop being angry at me (which I wasn’t) and the fact that you assumed I would just get up and leave without saying a word and then going off at me for it was just ridiculous.

I feel hurt that you have to make me feel bad about everything in my life – the good and the bad. You have constantly made me feel bad and afraid to talk about my relationship, because then you start crying about how I am so much better off, because somebody loves me and you will die alone. You tell me that you can’t really understand my bipolar, but you think I’m nagging you too much and you feel I am trying to hurt you intentionally. But most of all, I am hurt that you took a phrase I said to try and comfort you the best I could that day while I was trying to get control of my own mind and made it into me having a dig at you for you being poor. It hurts that you’d even think that for a second, when I’ve done nothing to try and help you in every way I can, which is why I invited you to Spain and why I’ve offered you a place to stay back in the UK and offered to borrow money so I can lend you some. Honestly? Yesterday felt like a fucking slap in my face.

I’m sorry, but it seems petty to me to take everything I have and just make me feel bad about it, as if my life was perfect, which you know it is not. I am so deeply offended that you are not appreciating anything I’ve done to make you feel comfortable and try and better your help – I’ve done all the housework myself, I’ve cooked every single meal, I’ve gone grocery shopping while I was hallucinating from not having slept alone, just because you had anxiety that day. And all you’ve done since we’ve arrived is complain. It’s like no matter what hoops and loops I jump through, it is never good enough. I feel like a hamster in the wheel, and it’s exhausting. Whether it is anxiety, depression or a tummy bug, you haven’t once tried to get it together and understand that I’m also not in a good way and I’m really trying to get myself together for you. When I said something, you said you had barely said anything and started this reverse psychology manipulation. It hurt me. But you can never admit to having hurt my feelings, because you feel mine are inadequate, but I had to literally beg you for forgiveness for 2 hours after one comment you took the wrong way and I apologised for immediately. It just all got too much.

And, finally, I’m sorry I tell you about how I worry about my boyfriend and how I miss him, when I haven’t spoken to him for 3 days. I’m sorry it makes it seem like I’m flaunting it in your face. But please – stop making everything into a competition of how you always have it worse, making me feel completely inadequate and while I am trying to focus on the positive things in my life to remain stable, you have done everything to bring me down and make me feel ashamed and guilty for every ray of sunshine in my life.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t know how to feel about all of this. I just need time to recover away from you, because I am doing so well and I can’t afford to risk my wellbeing or my relationship any more.

BW,

Jen

 

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