Every day has been a battle. Every day I live in fear about everything. I live day by day trying to hide this, to suppress this… To not let it ruin anything else. Nobody can deal with it and they have said so out loud. It’s not just in my head. As if having this disorder isn’t bad enough, having to fight every day to appear as if I don’t have it hurts. It’s like every choice you make and every word you say goes against every fibre in your body, but you know there is no other choice. You feel like a bird in a cage. Only you’ve locked yourself up and you know you can never set yourself free.
Since being diagnosed, I have realised how truly selfish people are. They tell you they care and that they want to be there for you, but only until the first day it gets really bad. And then they want to walk away. They tell you they still love you, but it’s just too hard. If only you could walk away from this… But you’re stuck so very, very alone in it and on top of that – you have to make sure to conceal as much of it as you can. There isn’t a moment in your day or week or even year where you feel content or free. You’re a prisoner of your own mind… and that is one prison you cannot escape….
I’m starting to realise that they are right… It is too much.. And it is too hard.. And I don’t know how long I can keep this up.. I just want to either feel free or feel nothing. I am so tired of always having to stop myself from saying things or acting a certain way, because people will leave me. I’m afraid to hurt them and I’m so afraid of being truly alone. Because nobody in their right mind could handle this. And nobody realises how much this affects me and how much it hurts, because once I tried trusting people with how I really feel, they immediately found it too hard.
I just really don’t know what to do with myself. What to do with my life. There is a part of me wanting to hope that things will get better even though they haven’t in the 10 years I’ve been hoping for that… and then there is a part of me that just wants to give up so desperately. I don’t want to die as much as I just want to not worry about it anymore, to not fight this battle anymore… to just feel nothing.. be nothing.
I hate myself so much for having to be this way. I hate my life and I hate everything that has happened to me. Why me? Abandoned by my father, abused by my nanny, sexually abused as a child and raped as an adolescent? It’s too much for one person… And now this. Maybe some people just aren’t meant to be happy… or alive. I am so tired of feeling like every day is a battle to stay alive. And there is nobody who cares enough about me to genuinely try and save me. They talk about it, but their actions suggest otherwise. Being diagnosed with something like this makes you realise how truly alone you are. And how little people you’d do anything for really care about you.
I am trying to accept this and trying to live with it, but knowing that he’ll leave me the moment I show how bad I am, makes it so fucking hard to live. I’m so scared. Why is this taking everything from me that I care about… If I had one wish for my entire life, I’d just wish to be normal. I’d wish to not have to deal with this.
You always see movies where bad things happen to people and they get so much support. I didn’t even get a hug or an “are you okay” from my mother when I told her about my rape. No, I had to comfort her.
I hate everything about who I am. I’m tired from the battle. And I’m just so very, very lost in myself. I don’t know where to find the will to fight anymore. I really don’t.
“But there are dreams that cannot be. And there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream that my life would be so different from this hell I’m living. So different now from what it seemed, now life has killed the dream I dreamed”